so a post....finally

hey guys i know i havent been very up to date with my posts and i also do realize i say that in almost every post lol. and as much as i love to blog and have so much stuff going on i just dont have time unfortunetly to blog everything. so if i was to write everything thats been going on this post would be a million pages long so ill condense it for you so it wont be so boring for you guys to read haha

so Lets talk about N ugh that boy. he drives me crazy one minute he acts like he wants to be with me than the next minute he acts like he doesnt want anything to do with me so i dont know whats going through his mind. because in my last post i was freaking out because one of his friends was going to be my date for my birthday party but it turns out i told him not to even come so i could be with N and it ended up being an amazing night with him and i really was glad that happened. but then it seemed to just be a rollercoaster ride after that. cause he had a date with some guy that ended up not working out i guess cause he doesnt talk to him anymore which is a plus for me but a while after that one of our mutual friends who we will call K comes into the picture. one night i guess N invited her over to go drinking with him...i guess he didnt want me to go lol. and i guess he was all over her trying to hook up with her the whole night...which is something i do not understand whats so ever because hes gay....lol but whatever so i was really mad at him and didnt talk to him for a while actually went like a week without seeing or talking to him which is a record for me lol. but then of course i started getting lonely again and missing him so i talked to him and hung out with him and it was not the same. i guess cause i was still mad at him and just that was the last straw so whatever than i realized i was done with him and just didnt want to see him anymore. but then he would always come up everywhere! i mean we have the same friends, we know the same people, it would be really hard to just drop him. so i started thinking i have to accept the fact hes gonna be in my life no matter what and i jut have to seperate those feelings from what i should be feeling for him which is him being only my friend. and then that works really good for a long time about a few weeks and i moved on started talking to someone else and just forgetting about him in that sense. and then bam! guess who comes back and tries to swoop me back up again...

Just the other day he came over to my house with K because as she puts it she is trying to fix the way us three were before all that shit went down. and i was lie whatever i really didnt care at this point. but then having him here having him be close to me just brought back unwanted feelings and i wanted to be strong and shoo them away but they didnt go away. and he was holding me on the couch and he starts nibbling and licking my ear which feels amazing!!! and he knows thats my weakness and i love that so much so he starts doing that than we make out a lot and its really nice and i feel safe and it just feels right having him hold onto me keeping me warm. i just felt like i was where i needed to be which is completly stupid but its true. so now hes coming over tomorrow and it will be me and him and we are having a movie night which will be really nice and i just get to be with him which is what i really want. i wish i could make things work with him but i know deep down it wont. we havent even had sex yet and im still really attachted to him which i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but i guess we will see.

but anyways i think thats all ill type for right now. and i will make it a point to post some more maybe tomorrow but probably not because N will be here so maybe the next night but i have a reminder set so i dont forget!! but would love to hear from all you guys and everything i will now go read your blogs and catch up!

KINDA FREAKING OUT!!!

ok so tonight i think i made a horrible mistake....ok so if you read my last post you read all about N and how much i really really like him. well....thats true. but for some reason today i was talking to this guy i met at pride and he asked me to be his date for his bday party coming up. well i also am having a birthday party coming up and am dateless but wanted N to be my date. but me and this guy im talking to lets call him M kinda hit it off and he asks me to be his date for his birthday party....so like a stupid retard i agree... then the conversation came about to my party and how i dont have a date and then by the end of the conversation he ends up being my date for my birthday. fuuuuckkk so now i dont know what to do!! M is gorgeous though like extremely gorgeous. N is hot too dont get me wrong. and the thing about me is when someone shows a little interest i get all into it and get a little carried away...obviously.....ok so with N i really really like him. alot completley fallen for him. and of course hes coming to my birthday. and hes even bought me a present already. and now im torn....i am a horrible person!! i got carried away with M and now i could have potentially screwed things up with N.

i know what i need to do is talk to N and see what he feels about me so i know for sure so im not being led on and if he is leading me on then i can move onto M but in the meantime i dont know what to do...

oh and it gets better guess how i met M through N!!!! hes one of N's friends and he kinda barely introduced me to him at the festival this weekend. and so M added me on facebook and weve been kinda messaging each other and IMing and what not and then tonight happened and i dont know what to do about the whole situation.....

so what do you guys think? i know i need to find out what N thinks and i might find out tomorrow but other than that would should i do. i cant believe i even put myself in this situation....but i did and i need to get out of it because i dont want to do this to N if he does really like me. because i feel this is exactly what happened between me and C he started seeing someone else while i was seeing him and it hurt me really bad. and i dont want to do that to anyone else. especailly someone i really like like N...,.....


uuuugggghhhh any advice?

long over due update lol

ok so last post was about the pride festival being the next day. well yes the pride festival happened and it was awesome!!! had so much fun got a bunch of free stuff and lots of condoms they were giving them out like crazy lol. which is good. but the main reason i had so much fun was because i saw N it was awesome i really like him so much, so he was volunteering there and so throughout the day i would take him water or just see him and say hi and it was nice. then he left from volunteering early to come hang out with me and a friend i was with. and that was super fun. everyone thought we were dating lol and it was so funny lol after a while he stopped correcting people lol. i didnt care i was like heck ya lets just say were dating lol. anyways after the festival was over he asked if i wanted to have a sleepover. of course i did!!!! lol i wasnt sure if i was going to sleep with him that night but i was freaking out in my head thinking of all the stuff i would need to do before having sex you know the basics. shower, shave things like that. but luckily we didnt hook up. and yes i do say good thing.

see the thing is as much as i need to have sex right now. with N i dont want to sleep with him yet. i want to take what we have or what we could possibly have slow. i dont want to rush into things like with C. that was horrible. but with N everyone is telling me be careful with him and its making me worried. im already scared and worried about the whole thing.

but anyways i spent the night at his house and all we did was make out and we made out a lot and i really liked that. he is an amazing kisser. and then we cuddled it was awesome. then the next day we just spent the day at his house and then it was getting kinda later and he didnt want me to leave but he didnt want to be at his house so we went to my house and he spent the night again. we didnt sleep at all!! it was horrible lol we didnt have sex we just stayed up. that was nice too then we spent monday together and it was just amazing

then the week went by and i was missing him a lot. then yesterday we were going to go shopping and then to dinner with some work friends of mine and then back to my house for another sleepover =) we slept more than we did last time. he downloading some things on his computer just for me. hes so sweet. and im pretty sure my mom saw us kissing lol oh well i dont care but it was still funny lol. my mom was hanging out with us kinda all night we got smashed and it was just a whole lot of fun. i was all over him though. in front of my mom. i didnt care lol i was hugging him and putting my head on his shoulder and then we cuddled on the bed it was awesome. i really like him so much ive been spending so much time with him and hes just amazing. but one of my friends whos known him for a long time told me to be careful with him because hes not the boyfriend type. he keeps a boyfriend for about a week and then its over. im just thinking, i love how shes looking out for me but i dont want to hear that i dont want my bubble to be burst because i do like him so much.

it was so cute today because for his birthday i told him i was going to give him 20 bucks for his birthday and i never did so he asked about it. he wanted his 20 dollar birthday present so he could buy my present and get me a card....isnt that cute!! omg i like him so much...its gross how much i like him. i talk about him all the time. hes always on my mind. and i just want to talk to him forever and never stop!

but im scared....really scared. i dont want to get hurt by him. i dont want to sleep with him and him decide thats all he wanted and move on. i really really dont want that at all. i want to sleep with him and actually be with him. with C he slept with me a few times and that was it. and that would have been cool if he didnt tell me how much he liked me and how he wanted a relationship with me and then go see someone else. sorry still a tad bit bitter about that situation lol.

also ive been gooing through this depression mode lately where it has just been really bad...then i start talking to N a lot more and i am doing a lot better. im not drinking so much because im not so lonely. so im hoping this works out for the best.

hes so cute too!! omg!! and the thing i really like is he hasnt tried to sleep with me. which could mean two things. 1. he wants to take it slow and doesnt want to ruin it like i do. or 2. he thinks of me as just a friend who he makes out with occasionally. but soo many people have told me that he wouldnt make out or hang out with me as much as he does if he didnt like me more than a friend.

hes so hard to read i dont know what hes thinking half the time. and he talks about the most random stuff just to cover up what hes really thinking. but i dont know what hes thinking. its so hard to read him.

but one day we were at his house after the pride festival and he was sitting on top of me facing me and we were making out and he looks at me and he goes "sorry if you can feel my boner on your chest kissing really turns me on" i dont think i felt it but i had a boner too and i said it really turns me on too and we kept kissing but no sex....which again is good!! i dont want to sleep with him yet.

another thing that sucks is i cant talk to K about it because shes just so bias and doesnt believe hes not the type of person she thinks he is. and shes my best friend and i cant tell her anything about him without her giving me bad advice.

but anyways i better stop typing. i get into a groove and i cant stop lol i love to type. and i know this is already long and your probably tired of reading. ill continue soon.


xoxo
superstar

tomorrow!!

soooo my pride festival is tomorrow and im sooo excited for it!! lol ive never been to a gay pride festival before so im like really excited lol and i get to see N tomorrow too and im soo excited to see him.

he called me the other day....i missed his call cause i was asleep =( but i texted him when i woke up and told him to call me later. but we were texting like all day!!! totally made my day! and then today i was texting him and guess what! he calls me!!! he wants to hang out with me before he has to be where he needs to be for the festival because hes voluntering and then he wants to maybe hang out after too!!! lol

im like a little girl i get so excited when he talks to me lol which is stupid but idk i like him. i told K i was going to see him tomorrow and shes like ugh why do you like him. but i honestly cant come up with anything. thats bad huh? hes cute and an amazing kisser!! like an amazing kisser omg noone has ever kissed me like he did. not even C and i liked C a whooooole lot more!!! but damn! that boy knows how to kiss the sparks were like amazing!!!!! lol i cant even explain it lol

but that cant be the only reason i like him there has to be something else...there just has to be...ill figure it out lol. i just know i really like him a lot. hes all i think about when i think about guys. i dont want to do anything with anyone else because they arent him. except for another guy J i think i might have talked about him. i almost hooked up with him on cinco de mayo and i really like him to....but theres something about N i cant get over lol. and the fact hes actually been talking to me consistently for the past few days is amazing!! lol aaaand he said hes coming to my big party im throwing in a few weeks!!! i just want him here! lol

well ill let you guys know how tomorrow goes. who knows i just might find another cute boy to go after lol it is gay pride after all lol. there will be lots of cute boys there lol

hey guys

soo guys guess what internet is now on my computer!!! holla!!!! so now hopefully i can even post a lot more posts lol. which is good. and then i can get my blog out there a lot more too which would be really good.

so lets see whats been going on this past few days or so lol....

so i told you K bf is in town for the whole summer and its super annoying because hes like a little puppy dog and cant keep his hands off her. its suuuuuper annoying!!!! but whatevs shes happy and thats all that matters. my depression mode is kinda going away slowly but i know once i come out of it something is going to happen to bring it right back. but hopefully not. lol

i woke up this morning happy. i had a missed all from someone i wanted to talk to, N, too bad i was asleep lol but i texted him when i woke up so we could talk and he actually texted me back and weve been texting on and off all day its nice. and i get to see him for sure on saturday so im super excited for that.


this saturday is gay pride in my town and im suuuper stoked for it. ive never been to a pride festival so im super excited to actually go to one. and plus n will be there so thats why i want to go so bad lol

lets see what else is going on.....i have no idea....lol well ill think of something and fill you guys in

xoxo
superstar

update...

Hey guys, I know I haven't blogged in a while but I've just been so busy. Work is taking up all my time by the time I get home all I wanna do is sleep. Haven't been able to get my computer yet but hopefully soon. So I'm still doing everything on my phone, which slows me down...a lot lol.

So let's see where I left off. Me and C are over turns out he strung me along and when he decided I wasn't good enough he went to someone else. The thing is...if he would have just told me he wanted to have sex and then move on...I would have been ok with that. But no he kept telling me how much he liked me and he could see us working out long term. Which got my hopes up because I really liked him and then I found out he started seeing someone else. Super depressing but oh well. I'm kinda pretty much over it now. Took 2 months but whatevs lol.

And then there's N. It was his birthday a few weeks ago and I decided to go over there you know hang out. It was his birthday I wanted to be a good friend. K flipped out on me saying how I blew her off and how I chose him over her and blah blah. It actually turned out to be a good night. It was just me, N, and another friend (my ride) and me and N ended up cuddling of course lol. Then my friend decides she wants to leave. She was my ride so I had to go with her. Which sucked cause I was not ready to leave yet. So while were waiting for her to get ready he pulls me aside and just starts making out with me and it was soooo nice. I really really didn't want to leave him. See the thing is I've had a thing for N forever! Like seriously the longest time. And I still do. So we were leaving and he walked us outside I gave him a hug and my friend him a hug and he was giving me this weird look...so I gave him a hug and then kissed him goodbye it was cute. So that was a good night and then I went over to another friends house to party. And plus another boy I like is there lol. So I hung out with him all night but I wasn't all over him like I usually am. I was texting N the whole night lol. But me and this other guy H almost hooked up once....

Cinco de mayo, me and H were really getting close that night we ended up sleeping in the same bed. He was naked lol (cause apparently he doesn't sleep with clothes on which is funny cause I've seen him sleep with clothes on before lol) so we were laying there talking and I was playing with his hair and we were getting really close we already made out by this time. We were making out like the whole night. So we started getting into it started touching each other it was hot lol and then....he passed out lol right in the middle of it. He was so drunk though I'm surprised he was awake for that long lol.

So anyways that's another boy I like right now. But the thing is H likes girls too. And my friend from work is his best friend and they've hooked up.....he pretty much lives there. So it would be hard for me to have a relationship with H knowing that. Id be so scared that he would do something bad. Lol and plus he drinks like a fish. Seriously but he's gorgeous! And he's super nice and funny. So maybe just hookup buddies would work lol. But knowing me I would get attached and end up being hurt at the end lol. That's just how I am.

I'm the type of person that gets attatched very easily. I fall for someone almost immediatly. I mean look at me and N all we've done is made out and cuddling and would do anything to be with him. I guess maybe its because I'm so new at all this dating, and boys, and sex. I don't know how to handle it all quite yet. But I think ill get there.

I just know I really want someone special. Someone who wants to hang out with me all the time. Someone who texts me and I get so happy I can't control my facial expression. I want that so bad. Someone who surprises me by doing something amazing out of the blue. I'm totally ready for that one person to come into my life and make it a whole lot better. I wanna know what its like to really like someone and have them like you back. That amazing feeling you get when you can't stop talking about them, or looking at a picturee of them, or your mind is constantly on that person. I'm completely ready to have that.

Well I guess I've vented enough for today. Hopefully ill step it up and be able to blog more often. I really do enjoy it. It let's me get a lot of things off my chest. =)

Xoxo
-Superstar

...sigh....

Thank you guys for your advice. And it might not be what I wanted to hear but its definitely something I guess I needed to hear. Its just really hard because I do like him sooo much! And he tells me he likes me too but idk.....I was suppossed to see him tonight but his party didn't go down and I texted him and he didn't text me back so idk....

The first night it was only about sex. But he started saying how much he's liked me for so long and all this stuff and I felt a really good connection with him and it just made me fall for him. And I tend to get attached easily. So it couldn't be just about sex. And he never talks about anything in the bedroom. I guess its not to easy for him to talk about idk....

I need to find someone who I can talk to and be with all the time. And I'm the type of person who would love to spoil someone. Take them out, buy them things and just be with them. Like after all that happened with N all I wanted to do is be with C just to be with him. Not sex necissarily just to be with him and hang out.

So about N. He's definitely someone I need to distance myself from. Because I know if I was in the same situation as I was this weekend the same thing would happen to me because I can't control myself because in a weird way I do like him. And I can be hurt and mad at him for what he did but its so hard for me to get over someone and I know that I would let him do that to me again.

That night I spent with him just cuddling and holding each other got to me waaay to much! I enjoyed it soo much and I just felt like I was so loved and I didn't feel so lonely. And then the next day I just felt like I got punched and soooo lonely! I realized I don't have anybody special to just hold on to when I need them.

I was hoping C could become that person but I have doubts on that unfortunetly which is soo hard for me to say because I'm not a negative person I'm always the one to think positive. But I just have felt really down in the dumps the past few days. I couldn't even focus on work today because I was in a different state of mind.

But I know a few people who have people they want to set me up with haha. And I know from now on I need to keep my guard up and not be so open to falling for someone.

And its so hard for me to because I like sex. And if a cute guy is hitting on me I'm gonna let it happen and then maybe fall for them and then get hurt but idk....I'm gonna start trying really hard.

But thank you all for the advice. And if you haven't read my posts from yesterday please read and let me know what you think please :-)

Xoxo!

venting time

ok so a while ago i met this guy N who i liked right off the bat. he was cute, funny, fun and i just all around liked him. he gave me his number and we were kinda texting and i would text him pretty much everyday and we would talk a little bit you know and then one night i got a little drunk and told him i wanted to have sex with him. and i felt like it got kinda awkward and we didnt text as much and now we barely text ever! and so this weekend....i came over to my friend A's house for a party and he was here and we were all hanging out ad then me and N started making out and then we were just making out the whole night lol. it was nice because i liked him a lot before. so i thought i was gonna get some but it didnt work out that way but thats ok!! we ended up cuddling on the couch and falling asleep here and there watching a movie and everytime he would wake up he would kiss me a little and make out with me it was a really nice night.

so then the next day which was technically yesterday (monday) we were hanging out in the morning and i had to go to work and so he asked me to stay with him and miss work...soo the stupid person that i am...called in sick...well we were having a pretty good day and then we heard from one of his old "best friends" he hasnt seen in a year or so....whos suppossedly straight and has a girlfriend who i met!

so once his friend got there he kinda started ignoring me a little bit. and i was like ok him and his friend are catching up you know no big. so then we were watching a movie and he was all over this guy....like he was on me the night before. and i was like...ok....and i was a little confused and so he just ignored me the rest of the night and then they went to bed together....i dont know for sure if they did anthing but the way they were acting it was obvious something was gonna happen...it just makes me really mad....and i was really upset earlier because it was just so rude i think....and i dont know exactly why i care so much but....i do. so at the moment im hating him....

oh ya and my friend K was here partying with us on sunday night when we were making out and she told me he told her he was just teasing me so i can want him and he wouldnt do anything with me......she doesnt like him in the first place so idk if he really said that but im pretty sure he did. but i just dont know what to do...

but anyways just thought id vent that out a little bit lol.

dont forget to read my post below this one to give me some advice please it would be very much appreciated!!



and p.s. ill try and keep you guys updating within the next few days on these situations im gonna try and get at least a little bit of sleep now.....thank you guys!!!!

uugghh stupid boys

ok so i know i said i was gonna try and post more often but i really havent been able to because i got a job and its full time and i just ever have any time to blog. but now its like almost 5 am and i am at my friends house using her computer so i thought id blog because i need some serious advice and just need to vent.


ok so i need advice first. so my friend S has this friend C who is really cute and ive met him a few times before and we kinda hit it off a little bit but last time i saw him was when he had boyfriend. so one night i was out clubbing and it was really lame so we ended up leaving early and right when i was leaving S calls me saying shes at C's house and he wants to hook up with me. so at this point it had been 3 months since i had sex so i was wanting it. so i went over there. so we were hanging out he was really really drunk and we were talking and he kept saying how he really liked me before and how when he broke up with his bf he was too nervous to text me because supossedly i was too cute for him lol. so i dont know if that was the alcohol making him say stupid stuff or if he was really feeling that way. so we ended up having sex and it was amazing!!! like absolutly amazing! and we just totally connected i felt anyways and then i really started to like him. so we kinda texted a bit after that and then i kept trying to hang out with him but when i was free he was busy and vice versa so it took us 3 weeks to finally see each other which was last weekend. and we got to have sex again and it was still really good. but so now the thing im worried about is....he hasnt really been texting me since then. see the first time we hooked up he blacked out and didnt really remember anything but the second time he remembered everything soooo im worried that now that he remembers he doesnt like me anymore because idk maybe i wasnt that good or idk...lol

but!!! there is a chance i might get to see him tomorrow night after work...well tonight....and so hopefully i can put all my paranoid fears behind me. but well see. i want to know what you guys think? i really like him and would love to end up maybe having a relationship with him. so i wanna know if he feels the same way about me as i do about him.

so what do you guys think about him not texting me after? for two days i didnt hear anything from him. i even texted him first and no reply.... so i just wanna know what you guys may think....

It finally happened.

So as you know from yesterday I have a lot of stories to tell you guys from the past few months so here's my biggest news that I couldn't wait to share!


So if you've been reading my blog and you pretty much know a lot about my life and everything.

Well a new page has been turned. I finally had sex lol. It happened in January but since I didn't have a way to blog I couldn't tell my story right away lol. So here's the story

So you all know my best friend K. Well she broke up with her boyfriend (the one I made out with lol) and then to get back at him she slept with his cousin. Lol....

Well we were all at my friend S birthday party in a hotel room and K wanted to bring that guy over cause she needed a little reliever lol. Well it didn't really work out that way lol.

He found out I was there and that I was gay so he decided he wanted to add me into the equation. Lol so instead of a threesome it turned into a twosome with me and him lol.

So here's how it all played out.....we were hanging out drinking and then we started winding down and getting ready for "bed" and it was in a hotel room and me and S were in one bed and K and that guy were in the other bed. It was just a little room. So we ended up all texting each other and he wanted me to get in bed with them but I was sooo nervous and I was scared it was gonna be really really awkward with K being right there. So I finally got the nerve to go over there and were laying there talking and then I feel a hand start unbuttoning my pants. It was him, K in the middle and then me. He was reaching over K to get to me and I started returning the favor and reaching over K to get to him. Lol and so she was just awkwardly in the middle lol so he basically just told her to get out of the way so she got out of the bed and then we just started making out.

And I was so lost I didn't know what to do or anything. And the guy wasn't very talkative so I just did what I kinda thought I was supposed to do haha. I just went down and started blowing him and then he grabbed me and made me turn around and so we got to 69 for a while and it was awesome! And so after like 15-20 min of that I got on top of him and he was gonna stick it in me but we had no lube so after a few min of trying to do it like that I finally told him to give it to me from behind lol that did the trick lol. It felt really good! I was scared cause I didn't want it to hurt but it didn't it felt really good lol.

And so after he finished he totally just turned around and fell asleep =/

But its not over yet lol I wasn't fully satisfied cause I didn't even get off! So I was gonna get off no matter what lol. So after a few hours of him sleeping I decided to wake him up by touching him and then he started to get hard while he was sleeping so I just kept stroking it. And he woke up and started stroking mine and then I grabbed his head and made him go down on me and then I got a nice satisfying blow job lol and he swallowed and went back to sleep after I stroked him to completion and then I finally got to go to sleep lol.

So that's my huge news! Lol I'm no longer a virgin! I had sex with him once after that and then he started like getting obsessed and I just stopped talking to him cause he was really weird. Lol

So now I'm in search of more boys to sleep with ;) lol