so a post....finally

hey guys i know i havent been very up to date with my posts and i also do realize i say that in almost every post lol. and as much as i love to blog and have so much stuff going on i just dont have time unfortunetly to blog everything. so if i was to write everything thats been going on this post would be a million pages long so ill condense it for you so it wont be so boring for you guys to read haha

so Lets talk about N ugh that boy. he drives me crazy one minute he acts like he wants to be with me than the next minute he acts like he doesnt want anything to do with me so i dont know whats going through his mind. because in my last post i was freaking out because one of his friends was going to be my date for my birthday party but it turns out i told him not to even come so i could be with N and it ended up being an amazing night with him and i really was glad that happened. but then it seemed to just be a rollercoaster ride after that. cause he had a date with some guy that ended up not working out i guess cause he doesnt talk to him anymore which is a plus for me but a while after that one of our mutual friends who we will call K comes into the picture. one night i guess N invited her over to go drinking with him...i guess he didnt want me to go lol. and i guess he was all over her trying to hook up with her the whole night...which is something i do not understand whats so ever because hes gay....lol but whatever so i was really mad at him and didnt talk to him for a while actually went like a week without seeing or talking to him which is a record for me lol. but then of course i started getting lonely again and missing him so i talked to him and hung out with him and it was not the same. i guess cause i was still mad at him and just that was the last straw so whatever than i realized i was done with him and just didnt want to see him anymore. but then he would always come up everywhere! i mean we have the same friends, we know the same people, it would be really hard to just drop him. so i started thinking i have to accept the fact hes gonna be in my life no matter what and i jut have to seperate those feelings from what i should be feeling for him which is him being only my friend. and then that works really good for a long time about a few weeks and i moved on started talking to someone else and just forgetting about him in that sense. and then bam! guess who comes back and tries to swoop me back up again...

Just the other day he came over to my house with K because as she puts it she is trying to fix the way us three were before all that shit went down. and i was lie whatever i really didnt care at this point. but then having him here having him be close to me just brought back unwanted feelings and i wanted to be strong and shoo them away but they didnt go away. and he was holding me on the couch and he starts nibbling and licking my ear which feels amazing!!! and he knows thats my weakness and i love that so much so he starts doing that than we make out a lot and its really nice and i feel safe and it just feels right having him hold onto me keeping me warm. i just felt like i was where i needed to be which is completly stupid but its true. so now hes coming over tomorrow and it will be me and him and we are having a movie night which will be really nice and i just get to be with him which is what i really want. i wish i could make things work with him but i know deep down it wont. we havent even had sex yet and im still really attachted to him which i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but i guess we will see.

but anyways i think thats all ill type for right now. and i will make it a point to post some more maybe tomorrow but probably not because N will be here so maybe the next night but i have a reminder set so i dont forget!! but would love to hear from all you guys and everything i will now go read your blogs and catch up!